The Haze
by Dani1348
Summary: Edward turns to drugs and alcohol as he tries to deal with his feelings for his brother and the fact that Alphonse will soon be married to Winry. Can the brother's relationship stand through the turmoil to come? Elricest


**The Haze **

**Chapter One**

**Warning: Contains alcohol abuse, drugs abuse, malexmale relationships, and incestial feelings**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist**

**A/N: This takes place in a sort of AU of the FMA world. Ed still has his automail but was able to get Alphonse's body back. Both Elrics work for the military and are State Alchemist. I am basing Alphonse's looks off of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, hence why he has blonde hair and golden eyes. **

Loneliness and forgotten dreams lapsed into the dark night, radiating from The Barking Devil. The bar was practically empty except for an appealing young woman, working the night shift, and a State Alchemist trying to drink his sorrow away.

Edward Elric was aware that he was not in a sober mindset, he hadn't been in hours. His face flushed, eyes bloodshot, and his outfit wrinkled with creases —he was a sight to behold. Luckily, no one from the military would come to such an untactful establishment, especially Alphonse.

Yes, for now he was safe.

Ed wasn't in a rush, taking his time with his beer, watching idly as the time ticked away.

His nose tickled with the familiar scent of copper. Memories bore their way into his mind, his senses heightened as the thoughts continued their onslaught. He futilely tried halting the bloody remembrance, every nerve screamed in excruciating pain. He could still hear their screams.

His grip tightened around his glass of lukewarm golden liquor. This habit, it was harmful to his health, physical and emotional. He knew that, and yet he could not stop himself to succumbing to intoxication's gentle caress.

The bartender was all breasts and blond, leaning over the grimy counter, her nametag gleaming in the dim light, she cleared her throat. "We're about to close. Do you have a way to get home?"

Ed didn't answer immediately. His amber eye straining, begging for the room to cease it's dreading spinning.

The bartender raised an eyebrow. Ed shrugged and took another sip of beer. A sudden grimace racked his frame, dipping his head, he tried shutting his eyes but the images flashed; blue light, blood, and screams.

Ed looked up at the bartender with unfocused eyes. "All I have left is memories."

Everyone had moved on with their live's. He was the only one left stagnate.

"You shouldn't talk like that," said the women. She was used to the rumblings of her customers. She took out a rag and began to wipe down the counter. "Life is not just about holding all the right card; it's about how you play them." She gave a small smile.

Ed grunted, not able to take the advice seriously.

Screw optimism.

Slowly pushing himself up, he gave the bartender a final nod. With difficulty, he walked away from the counter. His footsteps sharp resonated through the desolate bar.

Exiting, he paused as the frosty wind swirled around him, intensifying the cold night air. His metal prosthetics screamed with pain, every nerve was in the excruciating agony.

He could take this cold, what he couldn't take was the hollow hole in his chest that no amount of alcohol or drugs could cure. They merely made it bearable. He rummaged through his jacket pocket and took out a clear bag filled with small white pills. Pouring a couple in his hand, he quickly swallowed them without a second thought.

His feet had brought him before a pitiable military dorm door. White paint cracked at the edges added to the overall _charm _of the facilities. With intense concentration he knocked. He had once again forgotten his keys, or maybe he lost them. He couldn't remember.

Ignoring the feeling of dolefulness, he rapped the door again.

Footsteps could be heard from the inside. The door opened a creek, light resting on Ed's sun kissed features.

"Brother…?"

The voice sounded cool and silky. Pleasure swept over him, warming his cold limbs. He worked so hard to be able to hear Alphonse say those words from his own lips. Now, Alphonse didn't need him. He had his body and he had Winry. Edward was merely a nuisance and a remembrance of the wickedness of their past.

The door opened wider revealing a tall muscular blonde. His golden eyes brimmed with concern as he studied Ed's rugged appearance.

"Wha—" Alphonse's face scrunched up in concern.

"Hey, forgot my keys." He hoped his voice sounded routine. Although, he couldn't understand half of what he slurred, he still clung pitifully to his pride. He wasn't about to ask for help, and he especially didn't want his empathy. His shoulders slumped forward as he tried to keep his balance.

Alphonse once again calculated Ed's frame, slowly catching the way Edward wobbled on his feet. "Brother, you know it's 4 A.M., right?"

Ed staggered forward, leaning on the doorframe for support.

Alphonse's body tenses, ready to catch Ed if need be. What would he do without Alphonse to lean on? Who would be able to cleanse his sins? But Alphonse would soon be married and then he would have no one.

Alphonse face fell as he smelt the stench of alcohol.

The taller blonde exhaled, his eyes storming with untold emotion. Standing aside, he opened the door wider, gesturing for the Ed to come in. They were used to this dance. Ed would say things he would never admit sober and Alphonse would console him, trying to keep him from breaking in a million shards.

Ed staggered in. Alphonse shut the door behind them and helped his brother to the bed on the lower bunk. Ed felt a longing pain in his heart.

Trying to think of something to say, Ed opened then closed his mouth. His mind blurred together in a haze, his lingering thoughts were encompassing the fact that Alphonse was only wearing a pair of baggy sweatpants, exposing his tanned toned chest. The familiar yet foreign ache racked his nimble body.

"Thanks." Ed gave a lopsided smile. He hoped it looked grateful instead of a painful grimace.

"You're really making a habit out of all this." Alphonse said softly. "Or maybe it just got so bad you just can't hide it anymore…"

Ed let out a groan, barley catching Alphonse's implications. Sitting at the edge of the bed, Ed buried his face in his hands. How could he explain to his brother, _his God damn brother_, that he had impure fantasies of him? He felt disgusted with himself. He was not just a killer, no, he was also a sick bastard.

"I'm lonely." Ed looked at his little brother, red flecks dusting his cheeks. Whether from the drinks or from the statement, Alphonse wasn't sure.

Alphonse nodded. "Brother, I'm right here." Alphonse scooted closer to where his brother sat.

"Ed, I think you have a problem." His joke fell flat as his voice broke off at the end, a fail attempt of lighting the mood.

The familiar screams echoed through Ed's ears, threating to tear his mind in two. He closed his eyes in an attempt to block out the haunting memories.

"Hey are you ok?" Alphonse rested a tentative hand on his shoulder. The gesture was meant to be innocent but it sent Ed's body on fire.

"Don't touch me." Alphonse flinched in the venom in Ed's tone. It was a lie. Ed wanted nothing more melt into his brother's embrace. He knew it was wrong. He knew that! And yet, he couldn't stop himself from picturing all the ways he wanted to touch the younger Elric.

He was disgusting. His stomach turned, nausea sweeping through him, threatening to spill from his throat.

His body began to compulse violently.

"Here," the smooth voice answered him. Rubbing his back and setting a trashcan in between his feet. Alphonse leaned away wearily as Ed began to vomit.

The alcohol burned his throat, the toxic substance coming out in heaves. He continued until there was nothing left except gagging.

He tried to block out those ghastly memories. Locking them away in a deep confide of his mind. He could see all the faces of all the people he sacrificed, and he did it all for his brother. He loved him so much. He tried to tell himself that he made the right decision. Alphonse was worth much more than the lives of those inane individuals and yet… he found that sobriety could not give him the peace of mind he craved. He had to drown out the screams, drown the lust. Without the dulled reality of substance he felt like the air around him was heavy and lifeless.

"_Please, stop. Please"_

Ed felt another wave of nausea. That voice that tormented him, _that_ got off on torturing him. He choked off the memory before it could bloom.

"Brother..."

"You know, you're one of the nicest people I've ever meet." Ed muttered, reminiscence lingering in his tone. His unfocused eyes staring at the ceiling as the lines bent and moved all the while reinforcing his headache. "You're like the only one who puts up with my shit." A piece of shit like me. A pathetic excuse for a human being. "But you get me right? It's because were two of the same." The whisperer echoed through the small room.

Alphonse straightened his posture, looking away from Ed, away from what he had become. In the lingering illusions he could still make out the old Ed, the Alchemist of the People.

"I'm alone. No one cares. If I died… no one would care." Ed leaned back, using his elbows to prop himself up on the mattress. His blood shot eyes looking over the man next to him. "You can't understand this feeling, huh." Ed smirked. Of course he couldn't. Alphonse was everything pure and good. "I hate myself."

Alphonse flinched. His brother shouldn't talk like this. Not Ed. He never gave up. He was supposed to be the one to fight against all odds and come out smiling at the end of the impossible battle.

"Do you ever wanna just end it? Just be like fuck it. I'm done." Ed suddenly felt years older than his age. All that time trying to be nonchalant to the situation was catching up to him. All those years of acting like everything was fine were leaving him a barren wasteland. Nothing was alright! It was never alright! Life was sick. He was sick.

"Brother, don't talk like that."Alphonse's downcast eyes flickered over the broken man before him.

Ed let out a twisted laugh. He was so fucked up.

"Brother…" There was that misguided concern again. If only Alphonse knew all of the horrible things he wished to do to him.

Ed took in the man before him, the muscles, the amber eyes, the defined biceps; and the longing returned full force. Fantasies whispered reverie of lust and greed in his ear. He needed a distraction from his dejected nightmares, even if only for a few minutes.

Hotness spread through his brain and then down his body, pulling up in his lower abdominal.

He had to get out, now.

Forcing himself to stand up, Ed swayed at his feet. He had to leave before he did something he would regret.

Alphonse quickly stood up and reached for his brother's hand.

Ed flicked out of his brother's hold. "I told you not to touch me." His walls of reason were slowly succumbing to the alcohol and drugs. He longed to take a bite of the forbidden fruit. The desire of pinning Alphonse down and ravaging his body was overpowering. "Don't ever touch me." He had to save Alphonse from the monster inside him.

How long had these disgusting urges? It felt like an eternity. Even before their mother's death, he felt a small tug on his heart whenever he felt Alphonse mistakenly brush his hand against his. Even then, he knew this feeling was wrong.

"Brother…" The hurt in his little brother's voice sent chills down his spine. Ed wished Alphonse could understand that he was trying to protect him.

Without any words, Ed ran out of the dorm room. Speeding through the lonely hallways he heard his boots clap roughly against the ground.

He stopped suddenly, the voices around him grew louder.

"_Please. Please… don't hurt me." _

"Make it stop…" He backed away until his back hit a wall. His whole body was trembling as the memories flashed before him. They were so real. The fear was evident in each one of his victim's eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Would Alphonse still love him if he knew how Edward got his body back? Knew how he smiled as their blood spilt on the transmutation circle?

At that moment, all Ed thought of was Alphonse. He never thought twice about killing them. He knew it was the only way he could get back what Alphonse had lost to the gate.

His body slid down the wall until he hit the ground with a thud. He stared at his hands, the hands that created so much sin. Tears pooled up in his eyes, threatening to spill. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He continued mumbling the mantra.

"Fullmetal?" The voice was low and deep. Ed barely noticed the man's presence, he was too far gone.

The blonde felt his body begin to shake uncontrollably. The room's temperature dropped significantly. His heart began to beat furiously, as if begging to burst out of his chest at any moment. His breathe came out ragged as he gasped as the air in his lungs seemed to evaporate.

Somebody embraced him; their warm body contrasted the freezing feeling of death on the tip of his tongue.

"Fullmetal! Stay with me!" Panic etched into the velvet voice. He smelt of ink and expensive cologne.

Ed felt darkness lick the edge of his vision.

A feeling of bliss overcame him. He felt like he was in paradise.

"Fullmetal!" If only the voice knew that Ed wasn't in pain. Ed wanted to reach out and console him. The voice needed to know he was fine. Ed couldn't remember the last time he felt so good.

"Ed! What did you take?"

Ed's mind rushed in ecstasy. Colors danced around the room and beckoned him.

Then the feeling stopped as suddenly as it began and his mind lapsed into emptiness.

"What did you take!" The frantic edge of the tone left Ed feeling confused and frightened.

Then everything went black.

**A/N: Tell me what you think in a review!**


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